Feeling Unlovable? Rebellious Love

“Nobody likes me. The evidence clearly suggests I’m unlovable.” 

My head can sound like that more than I’d like to admit. And I imagine I’m not the only one. 

Trauma, ongoing despair, and deep pain teaches you that you’re unlovable. Not only that, but in this world, the notion seems to be confirmed in daily life too often. 

That has led me to horribly dark places. You too? 

If so, let’s go deeper. I have a feeling there’s more to feeling unlovable than what’s easily visible from the surface. 

When The Brain Is Taught ‘You’ Are Unlovable… 

I struggle with feeling unlovable because I was taught to- without mercy. My mom frequently said I was a terrible mistake. My dad forgot I existed, mostly. I was to blame for everything- even if I didn’t do it. Especially then, actually. There’s more, but you get the picture. 

Then, when I grew up, the inferior notion was confirmed regularly- by doctors, religion, impossible-to-please bosses, and by abusers I inevitably found myself stuck around- by seemingly everyone. 

Does that sound at all familiar? 

Of course that didn’t lead to anything other than self-loathing. How could it? I’m ‘supposed’ to be unlovable, right? That’s like what the whole world said; that’s what so many showed me… 

I don’t find that idea- being difficult to love- helpful. It merely taught me to further hurt myself, to side with my abusers, and to kill any remaining love I had (especially for myself.) 

So, we’re gonna challenge it now. 

This curiosity-fed rebellion begs a question. Am I really that terrible? 

I don’t actually think so, as it turns out. In fact, I’m kinda amazing! 

I bet you are, too. 

Maybe Your Love Is Seen As A Threat 

So, here’s the thing. There is a lot of truth to the idea that life is a reflection of ‘you.’ 

But it isn’t always direct about it. Often, the world we experience is turned upside down, and acts as an opposite expression in the physical world. 

Okay, well- Let’s back up, alright? It doesn’t have to be weird, or woo-woo, or even ‘real.’ Maybe it’s an allegory- or something. 

Regardless, vulnerable and sensitive people with giving hearts are not treated the same way back. We… we got hurt a lot, okay?

So, we have no choice but to get painfully honest with ourselves- or keep paying for the lies we put up with.  

(That’s a battle in and of itself. But one that’s been worth ‘fighting’ to me.) 

Also, honesty scares pretty much everyone. I’ve been terrified of the truth. Haven’t you? 

And that can show up as people constantly lying to you because you’re too honest for their ongoing belief structures- regardless of how possibly delusional (and/or personal) they may be. 

I’m learning that people generally do NOT like me- even many people who ‘love’ me. There are many reasons for that.

One reason being that, basically, I am often a reminder of what they run away from, deep down inside- in more than one way. I am like their ghosts, I suppose, mirroring their self-betrayal. My ‘weird’ honesty reminds others of their constant white lies. My refusal to gossip, for example, magnifies their willingness to do so. Stuff like that. 

In other words, I’m viewed as an emotional threat. Of course they don't like that. 

(To be clear, I do have struggles and such. I’m far from perfect.)

Many People Unconsciously Just Want Control…

Not only is it normal for people to fear the (actual) truth, it’s human to want control. 

People want control over something- anything. They aren’t to blame, per se. Like I said, that’s a part of human nature. 

Still, many can go to great lengths to maintain control over whatever they can. That frequently includes control over others. 

It doesn’t have to be an evil-obvious, malicious thing. Often, it’s poorly-disguised communication and unsaid expectations pleading to be recognized silently. 

Even so, wanting to control others is virtually always nefarious on some level. People can be mean. They can get nasty, play games, stomp all over your heart and laugh in your face while doing it. 

I’m willing to bet, however, that most of the time, this need for control is unconscious; it’s not something most people are aware of. 

What does that mean for you? 

Your awareness can come in handy- but only if you pay attention. You’ll see more actuality that way, and things will have no choice but to become clearer (at least for a while.) 

Personal Insecurities Appear Bigger Than They Are 

It’s not just other people that make self-love challenging. 

Often, it’s our own minds- the programs that were given to us, painful memories that guide our decisions, and fears that keep us feeling small. 

It’s like they grow seven times their actual ‘size’ to look more intimidating. Fortunately for us, the inner ghoul-thing loses its power when you recognize it for what it is. It will probably try to puff up. But you can see through that. Its once sharp teeth then become like fresh play-dough. 

All I know is that the insecurities that feed attacking thoughts and gross personal limitations often work extremely hard to seem scarier than they really are. 

In other words, your fears and unloving thoughts are often lying to you- to keep you under their control. Sometimes they need your love, actually. Other times, it’s just stuck, and you have to unclog it. 

Love Yourself, Anyway 

So what can we do, huh? 

We can respect ourselves, anyway- rebelliously, if need be. 

(How insane it is to think that the truth is “rebellious” in our world…) 

Yea, I know that’s annoying to hear. I annoy myself with it, to be honest. 

That doesn’t change anything, though. Yep, it’s way easier to just play along just this once (again) in the short term. It will be over in a second, right? 

But no. This one little compromise could easily become the same compromise you’ll make tomorrow, and the day after, and so on. You just gotta get through the day, after all. (I don’t think that is a helpful thought anymore, but it used to be.) 

And even if it is a one-time thing, the consequences could go far deeper than one can imagine… They’ve been brutal to me.The price is too great, actually. I can’t pay it anymore.

 It seems that meaningful and honest self-love might be the only way out. 

I know that’s hard, especially if your childhood was… let’s say, difficult to look back on. I’ve fought for a good relationship with myself my whole life, and it still causes a little inner panic sometimes. Let’s not downplay how terrifying that can be. 

But self-respect might be the only chance we’ve got to actually live- instead of constantly being forced to endure. 

Are you in?