Go ahead, think about it for a second. I’ll wait.
Was that hard to define? Did your mind go in a hundred different directions? Maybe memories popped up- either enjoyable, or not. Perhaps all you could think was “I don’t know.” Did you get butterflies in your stomach?
Can you answer the question what is love?
Well, let's give it a try.
Love is often hard to define.
It’s a wonderful feeling. Love can make us do stupid things, apparently. When you think about it, love can be scary. Terrifying! The thought of losing control, or being that vulnerable, or fucking it all up…
Another reason love is hard to define is that everyone has their own understanding of it.
Some were taught that love was anything but, sadly. For us, defining love is more than a challenge; it’s a puzzle. (By the way, butterflies, when it comes to love, are often signs that you should run far, far away as fast as you can, for example.)
Let’s face it, love can be bewildering.
Love is so grand, our words will always fall short. (Sorry for the sloppy cliche, but…)
In fact, love is so hard to encapsulate that many choose to define love by what it’s not.
It is frequently easier to elaborate on love by understanding what can be removed from it.
For example, love is not controlling, but far too many people have been convinced it’s necessary (both men and women.) They say that love is not angry, but I see nuance to that. It isn’t generally angry. It’s not lashing out so much you are scared all the time. Love isn’t a nightmare…
… unless it has to be, from what I can see.
Anyway, love has a tendency to be honest, oftentimes brutally- and more often with some level of in-your-face compassion. Love does not lie; some even say love is truth.
Love is not an attachment to control. It isn’t attachment at all. Love is not entanglement or codependency. It’s not getting what you want out of a person, or an image, or about obeying (anyone but yourself, arguably. That’s another story.)
Experiencing love is very different from the expectation of it.
We've all had our mind programmed to think certain ways. That a close relationship should look and feel a certain way.
Your partner should be obsessed with you. They should think about nothing else- not even themselves.
Boundaries don't belong. And so-and-so owes you everything because of a feeling, or a favor, or whatever.
True love is deeper than our expectations of it.
Unfortunately, those expectations often hinder true connection.
We get so caught up in how we think we should be experiencing love that we fail to go through the gifts right in front of us. We stress about a dream so much we don't appreciate the reality of love next to us.
There are many ideas about what love is. Everyone has their own, as I mentioned. So, the ideas are rather infinite.
Let’s take a look at it.
Others think that love is nothing more than a feeling caused by chemistry. Oxytocin being the main culprit.
Still, other people say love is a spiritual experience. In fact, some people believe that all is love. (I think that's another topic for another day.)
Many say love is everything- which can be taken in numerous ways.
There’s a rumor that only true love comes back. It's a rumor, and I've learned to treat it as such.
Some people say love never hurts, and on one hand, it doesn’t. That’s valid. Love isn’t going to hit you, or purposefully hurt you. No.
But love can feel excruciating, in many ways. For example, you may have to leave someone you cherish behind for some reason. Or when someone you love is hurting so bad they scream, and you can’t do anything about it. Or when a loved one passes away.
Anyway, it is also said that love doesn't even exist- in some ultra-scientific circles. It's just an idea.
On the other hand, love is often credited as a turning point. The missing ingredient, or even one's purpose.
Do you have any theories about love?
We all too often think of only romantic love when we think about deep reverence. But there is more than one kind of love. There are many.
Well, let’s get this out of the way real quick. There’s (false) “love,” right? You know the toxicity people fall for. (I did, a lot, because that’s what I was taught love was.) Even though that is NOT love, people call it that. It may be better worded as the following:
Moving away from the unloving lie, there is platonic love- like the kind you have with a close (real) friend. Or general love. Love for other people, sometimes referred to as agape. You might have a deep passionate appreciation for animals, love for hobbies or your career, nature and whatnot.
Familial love is apparently called “storge.” And perhaps most importantly, self love. (As long as it’s honest love and not faking it on the shallow end.)
There are probably a lot more, too. You get the picture.
I don't know how to define love any better than anyone else.
But I do know love is a balanced mixture of numerous, sometimes logically conflicting, aspects.
Love is
Love allows and gives space and compassion without harming itself- although, depending on the situation, it might hurt.
Love may be hard to define; mere words or even concepts cannot capture what love means.
Love can only be experienced.
But love is what makes life worth living. Without it, all we have is pointless emptiness.